


Reckless and Wild Youth

by MellytheHun



Series: Kylux Angst November [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst November, Break Up, But Heavy Petting and Making Out is Involved, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, Fluff, I still don't accept Hux's canon name, M/M, Nothing explicit, Romance, Teenagers, still using my fanon name for him, tumblr event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 18:33:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8457658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellytheHun/pseuds/MellytheHun
Summary: Day Three of Angst November: When We Were Young





	

**Author's Note:**

> _“When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent. You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.”_ — Cecelia Ahern

 

When Snoke flickered out of view, Kylo and Hux were left staring at one another, unsure of how to proceed. Hux’s hair was longer then – still within regulation, of course and at nineteen, he was rather sure this _sixteen year old_ with decidedly non-regulation hair wasn’t qualified to be even _considered_ for co-commander of _The Finalizer_.

The ship was home for the time being and this child had just been thrown into Hux’s lap like a feral cat meant to be a domesticated house pet. What was Hux meant to do with him? Teach him what seven years in military school drilled into him within the next few months? Ignore him and hope for the best? Hux couldn’t be sure and this young Kylo Ren didn’t seem to know what to do either.

Ren wasn’t sweet, that was certain. Young, possibly naïve even, but Kylo Ren wouldn’t have stood before Hux if he were a sweet boy. Ren had an air about him that felt similar to what Hux imagined being stalked by a great predator felt like. Even with Ren right before his eyes, he was troubled by what he couldn’t see of Ren.

He was handsome though, in his own right. He had ears that needed growing into, a unique nose and pronounced clavicle. Really, with his long hair and big, expressive eyes, he was rather pretty.

“I think you’re pretty too,” Ren said.

Hux’s face went hot and red and he scowled at Ren, chastising him with a shaking, accusatory finger, “ _don’t_ you – I will _not_ tolerate any of that mind-reading business! Do you hear me? You stay out of my head.”

When Snoke went into Hux’s mind, he hated it too – Ren would be no exception. Hux didn’t particularly care for this Force business. He hardly believed in it, even when its power was demonstrated for him and he hated it more then, because demonstrations of its power were usually at his expense.

“Why aren’t you frightened of me?” Ren asked, tilting his head curiously, “I’ve never met someone so interested in meeting me without wanting something from me.”

Frowning, Hux crossed his arms over his chest and replied, “You overestimate your importance, Ren. I’m interested in keeping you out of my way, not in _you_. And I’m not frightened of you because fear is useless and counterproductive. You’ll kill me or you won’t. Not much to mull over there, now is there?”

Ren considered Hux before answering, “no, I suppose not.”

“Right,” Hux continued, “If you decide to kill me, I won’t be here to stress over the fall out, so it won’t bother me any. I can’t imagine Supreme Leader will be all too pleased with you, though. I’m rather important around here, you know.”

“You’re the _most_ important, as I understand it,” Ren replied with evident intrigue sparkling in his dark eyes, “Master Snoke would not send me off to just any man or ship. You are special. He chose you to have me.”

A brief flash of _having_ Ren played on Hux’s mind’s eye – what that pale, beauty-marked skin might be like under those dark robes, the soft noises he might make –

Hux’s stomach tightened up with arousal and guilt – he shouldn’t have been thinking of such a young boy like that. Hux’s blush darkened and Ren smirked, as if he had set out to make Hux uncomfortable with that phrasing and knew he had succeeded. Or maybe he had planted that image there himself, the menace.

Hux scowled more darkly at him.

“If you decide not to kill me,” Hux powered through, resolutely ignoring Ren’s childish flirtations, “then we won’t have any problems, shall we?”

“I suppose not.”

“And you suppose correctly. So, what will your course of action be?” Hux asked, already knowing the answer.

Ren assessed him, trying to read him without going into his head; Hux could be thankful at least that Ren appeared to follow basic orders. Hux told Ren he was unwelcome in Hux’s head and he listened. He listened, but what disturbed Hux was how clearly Ren thought this was a game. A dangerous guessing game he could cheat at, any time.

“I suppose I won’t kill you, then,” Ren replied with an even more evaluating look, “but you should never doubt that there are fates much worse than death.”

“And do you plan to inflict one of those fates onto me?” Hux asked drily.

Something like a whisper enveloped Hux, arresting him and it seemed to say without words, _I **am** one of those fates._

If Ren had meant to send that into Hux’s mind, he didn’t show it. In fact, he looked entirely oblivious to the uneasiness it produced in Hux. Hux reasoned that Ren hadn’t even meant to think it, if it indeed was a thought at all.

Ren smirked and responded, “I’ve not decided yet.”

Rolling his eyes dramatically, Hux told him, “well, please do keep me updated on that.”

“Yes, _sir_ ,” Ren mocked.

Hux felt a migraine coming on and decided to depart from the conference chamber sooner rather than later.

Ren was a grating, temperamental menace at worst and an unpredictable nuisance at best. Hux tried his best to ignore Ren, but Ren went out of his way to make that all but impossible.

The Knight-in-training _vied_ for Hux’s attention and when Hux would give it, Ren would mock him or otherwise make him regret it. When Ren found himself with too much free time, officers and troopers alike would suffer for Ren’s sadistic pleasure and Hux would be left with whatever clean-up there was.

Enough time passed that Ren found the officers and troopers too uninteresting to torture – no, he wanted Hux’s attention and to play with Hux.

It was maddening.

Equipment would spontaneously combust, officers would fall like dominoes until someone managed to knock Hux over, control panels that weren’t meant to be on would whirr to life and those that needed to be running would suddenly shut down without apparent cause. The control bridge became hazardous simply because Hux was there and Ren was fixated on torturing him.

Ren’s idea of ‘pranks,’ on Hux were degrading and often dangerous. After one near-death experience Ren considered rather funny, Hux smacked him upside the head and asked what in the stars he thought he was doing.

Ren seemed thrilled by Hux’s smack – Hux tried not to think about it too much. He rationalized to himself that Ren was simply proud of himself that he’d managed to get a rise out of Hux. When Ren complained with a smile that Hux should know violence isn’t the answer, Hux smacked his head again and asked what exactly it was that Ren had hoped to accomplish by nearly killing him.

“Just testing you out,” Ren replied easily, “You’re very agile, General.”

“I thought you decided _not_ to kill me,” Hux complained, ignoring Ren’s praise (Ren’s praises were often bargaining chips for something he very much wanted – Hux never trusted those compliments to be sincere – not that Ren’s compliments should’ve mattered to him anyway).

“You wouldn’t be a General if some trips and falls or breaking glass could take you out,” Ren responded evenly, as if that was a perfectly suitable reason to harass Hux.

Rubbing at his temples with his middle and forefingers, Hux sighed deeply, feeling aged.

“Ren, I live under enough stress. Your twisted sense of humor is the last thing I need.”

In truth, Hux was exhausted. Ren was an exhausting creature – when he was within Hux’s line of vision, Hux was anxious about what misfortune might find him and when Ren was out of Hux’s line of vision, even more anxiety took the empty space. His shoulders slackened and he tried with difficulty to take in a measured, level breath. Bring his blood pressure down. Focus.

Calm and concentration were much harder to reign in when Ren was up and about on the bridge. Hux truly was tired, down to his bones.

Hux hadn’t expected Ren to really listen to him, but he had. Ren’s expression turned solemn and he told Hux, “I apologize.”

Cocking a disbelieving brow, Hux asked, “… you do?”

“Yes,” Ren insisted seriously, “I don’t intend to kill you. I’m bored and it’s lonely here. Less interesting too. Nothing to hunt, no constellations to map, no wilderness to explore…”

_Is he planet-ached?_ Hux wondered.

He knew planet-raised people experienced a type of homesickness for it sometimes, but he’d never experienced it himself.

“I wouldn’t know,” Hux admitted, “I’ve only ever lived on ships.”

Ren seemed genuinely surprised by that. With raised brows, he asked, “really? You’ve never been on a planet?”

“No,” Hux answered, “My father has done all planet-side business – I’ve never… I mean, it hardly matters.”

“That’s not true,” Ren argued, reaching out to take Hux’s wrist, “You should come planet-side with me.”

The warmth of Ren’s palm against the cool skin of Hux’s exposed wrist was highly distracting.

“What?”

“Let me make up to you all the fooling around,” Ren offered, “Arrange a pod for us and let’s go planet-side. I know just about every star in the Mid-rim and no one would recognize us. We could have fun.”

“ _Fun_?” Hux asked incredulously.

“We’ll go to Celen,” Ren planned aloud, “Celen has night skies almost unbelievable. We could go to one of the poles and watch the Aurorae. Or we could stay in the cities, if you’d prefer. You know Celen is one of the few planets that still has wild Banthas –“

“Ren, I can’t… I can’t go planet-side.”

For a pitiful beat, Ren just looked at him sadly.

“Why not?”

Was that genuine disappointment laced in Ren’s voice? Hux couldn’t be sure.

“I just… it’s not what I _do_ ,” Hux told him, a bit helpless to find other befitting excuses, “I don’t… I don’t disobey my father. I don’t take pods without filling the necessary documentation about my travels and purposes for them. I don’t go planet-side, stargaze or… have _fun_ , Ren. I _work_. _This_ is what I am meant for. I’m not meant to roam fields in Celen in the hopes of spotting a Bantha. I’m meant to stay aboard _The Finalizer_ and –“

“It’s my birthday soon,” Ren interrupted, his grip on Hux’s wrist growing tighter, “Do this for me. For my birthday. It’s what I want. Come planet-side with me.”

The distasteful tilt of Hux’s mouth was certainly enough to illustrate how bad an idea he thought this to be. Ren was stubborn as ever, though.

“Please.”

Recording that for later play-back would have been Heavenly, but even without it somewhere he could play on a loop, Hux would remember it forever, he was sure. The plea was sincere and just bordering on desperate. Hux swallowed, wishing Ren didn’t have this effect on him. Ren was too young to be so handsome and too annoying to be so… _tolerable_.

“You care about me sometimes.”

Hux lifted his eyes from where Ren’s hand still encircled his wrist – he hadn’t realized he’d been staring. He stared at Ren’s heavy gaze instead.

“You do,” Ren pinned on, “Sometimes – rarely – you even like me. Just a little. I don’t read your mind, but your aura reaches out to me. Sometimes I can feel you looking for me even when I’m on the other end of the ship. Other times I can sense your disappointment when you realize I’m not there. You really do care about me sometimes.”

Blood was rushing to Hux’s face and he was quite done being humiliated, but just as he was ready to rip his hand away, Ren held tight to it and begged, “let this be one of those times.”

Hux’s brows curved in deeply and Ren refused to let go of both his wrist and his sight, “let this be one of the times you care about me – one of the times you like me. Come planet-side.”

“Why do you want this?” Hux asked nearly inaudibly – he couldn’t tell why his vocal cords were failing him. He was nervous, maybe, but there was something else in the air between them, making it thick and heavy like a syrup.

Why did he want Ren so badly? Was it just the will of the universe that everything orderly would be drawn to chaos? Was Hux doomed to follow after Ren like a lost, loveless creature?

Time seemed to slow down as Ren readjusted his hold so he could wrap his hand around Hux’s instead of Hux’s wrist.

“I want to be the one to see you planet-side for the first time,” Ren told him, a hopeful smile trying to worm its way onto his full lips, “I want to be the one to show you what it’s like – what it feels like, the best parts and most interesting constellations. I want to be the first one to see you touch grass and see fresh water.”

“And this would be some favor for your birthday?”

“It would be a gift.”

Blushing darkly, Hux looked away, paid no mind to Ren’s hand in his still and gave a long, thoughtful pause before he asked, “if I _were_ to agree to this ludicrous delinquency… how do you suppose we’d go about it?”

Ren’s smile was positively sinister – he knew he’d won already. He was such a cocky young man. Hux couldn’t understand why his chest constricted the way it did for Ren or why he was so embarrassingly attracted.

The issues Hux took with going to Celen weren’t even really about Celen or breaking protocol or potentially getting caught and in trouble. It was being alone with Ren that was so deeply troubling.

Spending so much alone-time with Ren felt like a dangerous prospect and not because he felt like he’d die before the event was over, but because he was rather sure he’d live through it all.

Agreeing to go to Celen turned out to be a terrible mistake, but not for any reasons Hux could foresee.

The preparations took a few days, but Ren came through, somehow. Between cycle shifts, Ren snuck them onto a travel pod, looking driven and quite serious the entire time. When they got in the pod, Ren tossed Hux some clothes that looked suspiciously like Jedi wear.

The pants were a dark burgundy color, the tunic was a rich brown and the boots were such a dark brown they might have been black. When Hux asked why he needed to change, Ren gave a snicker and said, “you’ve red hair, you’re taller than most and you think landing on Celen in full First Order uniform won’t draw attention to you?”

“I thought we were staying away from the public,” Hux mentioned, annoyed that Ren may have set a different course for them without consulting him.

He hates unexpected itinerary changes, always has.

“We’re going to a beach – the beach has meadow surrounding it and that’s where I’ve heard there are still wild Banthas,” Ren explained, “There’s a chance people might accidentally happen upon us. I’m just preparing for all scenarios. I thought you’d be proud of how responsible I’m being.”

Never trusting that Ren was being truthful, Hux rolled his eyes and changed into the robes, determinedly not expressing any sort of pride in Ren for any of this juvenile behavior (…that he was partaking in).

Ren was dressed down as well, but that wasn’t always so odd to see, seeing as Ren didn’t have any official uniform.

They were in flight for an hour or so before a close planet came into view above the navigation panels. Hux leaned over Ren’s shoulder, his sweating hand making the back of the pilot’s seat creak where he squeezed it and he could feel Ren’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t look away from Celen.

He’d seen pictures and video of planets before, even passed by some during travels in the past of course, but he’d never been in this situation. He’d never been in a pod, watching as the planet grew closer, just watching as they steadily approached…

“It’s pretty, right?”

Not much caring if Ren was making fun of Hux or not, Hux nodded and said in barely a whisper, “yes. It is. Very.”

Hux didn’t read too much into it, but he definitely saw how Ren bent his head enough to hide behind his hair after that. He wasn’t laughing or exuding any air of malice. Maybe he was embarrassed? It was hard to tell. Besides, Hux couldn’t imagine what Ren would be embarrassed about.

Landing wasn’t too calm, but it was safe enough. They made it in one piece, respectively, at least. Hux’s brain was too jumbled a mess to insult Ren on his piloting skills even if he cared to.

Before they stepped out of the pod onto the high grass on Celen, Ren made a point of standing before Hux, reaching up and messing his hair, much to Hux’s ire.

“You can’t look so militant,” Ren insisted, “Come on – I want to see a Bantha.”

“Yes, yes,” Hux responded with feigned annoyance, “we’ll see the bloody Banthas.”

Ren stepped out of the pod doors, breathing in deeply, facing what appeared to be endless meadow. After a few silent moments, he turned around and looked to Hux who was clearly hesitating at the opening of the pod.

Hux was staring down at the grass, he could smell something in the air – he’d never smelled anything like it. He knew recycled and conditioned air, but this – this was _real_ oxygen. This was real _nature_.

He was inexplicably nervous and Ren could tell. Without any prompting, Ren outstretched his arm, offering his hand and smiling gently, he invited, “come, General. There is much to see.”

Hux’s face felt warm and his head felt… loose? He couldn’t really explain it. This much fresh air was a little dizzying and his eyes were watering and he really couldn’t tell why.

He grabbed Ren’s proffered hand, holding on tightly, too evidently nervous to hide it anymore. He looked down at the high, vibrantly green grass and could see tiny insects flying about – so small, they might fit through the threading hole of a needle.

_There’s so much life…_

And in so many forms, so many colors, so many sizes – why that little fly might think he’s a deity. Or maybe that little fly has no idea what he is at all, can’t conceive of him and so sees right through him as if he’s not there at all.

_He_ is that little fly suddenly – Celen is too big, the galaxy is too big – he needs to get back to _The Finalizer_ , back onto a ship that is relatively small in relation to planets and stars and galaxies – he needs the regulated air supply, the small spaces, to escape all this enormity –

“It’s alright,” Ren encouraged softly, offering safety in those round, dark eyes, “I’m right here.”

Ren being there at all shouldn’t have been a comfort. In fact, Hux was rather sure this was a terrible plan from the very start and they should huddle back into the pod, rush back to _The Finalizer_ and pretend none of this ever happened. The look in Ren’s eyes let Hux know that would not do.

“It’s alright to be nervous,” Ren continued, his thumb brushing back and forth over Hux’s hand, “This is new for you. That’s why it’s exciting too. I’m looking forward to getting you to the water. I think you really will like it.”

Hux lifted his eyes from the ground to their joined hands and then to Ren’s face. He was being earnest and for some unholy reason, Hux… really didn’t want to disappoint Ren.

“Right. Right,” Hux repeated, nodding, “Okay. Alright.”

With a shaking breath and while quite possibly cutting off all circulation to Ren’s fingers, Hux took his first step onto Earthly ground. His second foot followed soon after and then he was there, in the open, planet-side, standing in a meadow on Celen with his trembling hand encased by Kylo Ren’s and nothing in his life thus far had ever been more bizarre.

He was standing in a _meadow_. On _Celen_. With _Kylo Ren_. Who was _holding his hand_.

What left had he made in life where he ought to have gone right? How in the stars was he here and what was he doing?

“Your eyes are going everywhere,” Ren mentioned with a smile, drawing Hux’s stare back to him, “It’s a lot to take in. You’ll have time to see it – don’t worry.”

“Is this –“ Hux looked at the grass, “is it safe to touch?”

“Yes, of course,” Ren answered gladly, as though he were looking forward to watching Hux experimentally touch the grass, as if that were actually _exciting_.

And Ren did watch – he was watching and _studying_. Hux could feel Ren’s eyes on him, but he didn’t mind them.

Hux tilted his head back, let his mussed hair fall back as he stared upward.

The sky was pink in some places and blue in others.

_Implication of two stars, then_ , Hux reasoned, _One close enough to scatter the light through the atmosphere so the rays appear blue and one far enough away that it lengthens the rays of light enough to appear pink…_

The clouds were white – _composed of ice crystals mostly, probably_ – they had some pink on them, meaning they were catching the light of the furthest star. They were without pattern for the most part, not blocking light all too much but casting shadows and glowing with light on top – _Stratocumulus clouds, then_ –

“Stop analyzing the sky, General.”

Hux twisted his head to Ren, he was readying himself to scold Ren for being in his head, but Ren gave him a sympathetic look.

“I’m sure your textbooks were very descriptive, but you won’t experience Celen if you don’t allow yourself to _feel_ the sky and instead try to break it down to its elements. Accept Celen’s sky for what it is, what it makes you feel and let it lie.”

“What it makes me feel?”

When Ren went to take his hand away, Hux involuntarily tightened his grasp. He wouldn’t let Ren’s hand go and Ren seemed surprised (in truth, Hux was just as surprised by his body’s rebellion). He looked at their hands and then said, “…okay. Well, then, just shut your eyes and tell me what you feel.”

Hux would have argued that what he feels about the _sky_ hardly matters, but… maybe that was what this trip was about? Hux had lost sight of his objectives, frankly. He felt like a blind, newborn kitten and all of this sensory input was making him feel helpless and impossibly small.

He decided he would follow Ren’s lead – Ren was seventeen after all, not too much of a baby now. Closer in age to Hux now for the next few standard months. Not too young to think of…

_I still feel creepy…_ Hux admitted to himself.

He couldn’t help that Ren was handsome and he couldn’t help that Ren was aggravatingly intriguing. He wanted to trust Ren someday. That more than anything was a heady fantasy – having someone to trust. To truly, loyally, undyingly _trust_. What an ally Ren would make – what a good friend in a high place he could be.

Hux supposed that the first step to building trust is to… well, to trust. He would just have to trust Ren not to bludgeon him over the head the moment he closed his eyes, trust that Ren was not pulling some elaborate prank on him, trust that Ren would guide him through this very new, very raw experience.

So, he did.

He shut his eyes and breathed out slowly for a count of eight and then honed in on all his senses, collecting data.

The breeze was moving over and around him like he were a stone in the way of a river’s stream. The air smelled like mints, soil, untreated wood, something distinctly ‘plant,’ and salt. If he listened closely enough, he could hear a sort of slapping – water against water. Waves. He could hear the waves.

With a visible tremor, his free hand came down to touch at the grass and he felt chills all over. He had never had a sensory experience like it, so had no comparison to make in his mind. It was soft, but also hard in a way and it was smooth and it moved with the breeze and in time with the waves. Everything was so in sync, so peaceful, elementary and rich.

_What do you feel?_

When Hux opened his eyes, he was humiliated to find tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t let go of the grass to wipe them away, though and he was still unwilling to let go of Ren. He breathed in and out roughly, shakily and then replied, “everything.”

He looked over to Ren and Ren was smiling, his eyes shining, his hair glistening in the fading sky light.

“You look pretty.”

Hux blushed at Ren’s words, but didn’t smile or frown, unsure of what he was feeling, how much of it he was feeling, what he was supposed to be feeling or how to express any of it.

“Yes,” Ren declared, as if he was settling some indecision, “You look very pretty, planet-side.”

The breeze swept Hux’s hair around again and took Ren’s hair too, but Ren seemed unaffected. He knew these sensations, but he was clearly appreciating the novelty of Hux being unpracticed in something so simple as standing in a space and acknowledging the wonder of nature.

When Ren lead Hux to the beach, he insisted Hux remove his boots and feel the sand under his toes. He obeyed and then came the smell of saltwater, the touch of soft, saturated sand under his feet, smooth shells between his fingers and when the night fell, everything changed.

The water calmed, the waves coming in sleepily, the colors of the sky changed until it was dark, dark blue and the stars shone like diamonds in a jewelry store case.

Ren talked Hux into rolling his pants up enough to put his calves in the water, but everything got wet anyway, so the two of them laid on the sand in their robes, letting lazy waves roll over them, up to their waists all while Ren pointed at the stars and taught Hux constellations of Celen’s sky.

He bemoaned the fact that this time of the standard year, on Celen, his favorite constellation wasn’t visible in these parts. Hux encouraged Ren to tell him about it anyway, which Ren happily did.

“Rude, honestly,” Hux commented loftily, “Celen’s skies ought to know it’s your birthday and give you audience with your favorite constellation. I’m offended on your behalf.”

Ren laughed and stared up at the night sky, his hand moving between them until it found Hux’s. Hux didn’t protest when Ren twined their fingers and then Ren spoke again, as if what he was saying had been a long time coming.

“I care about you too sometimes, you know.”

Hux turned his head to watch Ren’s profile and was surprised by the dark blush staining Ren’s cheeks. Ren kept his eyes forward and his fingers twitched with nerves. It was good to know Ren was capable of being humble.

“I like you occasionally as well,” Ren added, “You’re not scared of me like the others. I thought you might be another puppet – I’ve met Snoke’s puppets before. But you act on your own. You’re willing to smack me around to make a point – I couldn’t control you or manipulate you. Even when I wanted to. Your mental fortitude is too great to be manipulated, even by me. I just…”

Ren’s brows curved in and he finished, uncertainly, “I just care for you. I’m glad to have you here. I don’t like people often. But I like you. More than occasionally.”

When Hux went to reply, though he had no idea what was going to come out of his mouth, Ren turned his head and asked, “do you want to kiss me ever?”

“Pardon?” Hux’s voice broke.

“I haven’t read your mind – I listened,” Ren defended, “I really have listened. I… I think about it. About being kissed by you.”

His fingers tightened in their tangle around Hux’s.

“I’m sorry. If that’s…” Ren trailed off, unsure of how to finish; then he looked away again, shutting his eyes and mouthing something to himself, as if bickering with his own tongue for its carelessness.

The water was more like a bath, the sand on his skin and in his hair like a gold medal for the bravery of coming to Celen at all. The breeze was warm, the sky mostly clear, the moon bright and everything smelled sweet and salty and floral and unreal in a way. It had been a beautiful day, regardless of the weather or skies or grass or beaches. It had been a beautiful day because of Ren.

Drunk on his planet-side discoveries, Hux stopped analyzing and felt.

Just _felt_.

His feelings told him to throw his leg over Ren’s hips, straddle and kiss him.

So, that’s precisely what he did.

Their rolled up pant legs were heavy from the water they’d been wading in, but the water lapped over their naked calves light as a feather. Hux framed Ren’s head, holding himself up over Ren and letting his outer-tunic hang loose and open. He let one of his wet hands part Ren’s black inner-tunic, pulling the fabric more away from itself to reveal more of Ren’s chest.

Ren was tall, getting taller and he was strong and getting stronger – Hux admired it. He admired more how he could feel Ren’s heart pound under his palm.

“I think I made a rash judgment.”

Ren’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“I think,” Hux continued, low and raspy, “there might be some sweetness to you. I’ve met people – hot-blooded, hot-headed people and didn’t care for them. I’ve met cold people too – unfeeling people. I’ve never felt attracted to anyone, Ren. Except you.”

Ren’s eyes fluttered shut as Hux leaned down and kissed his cheek, then the turn of his jaw, just under his ear, “my life would be exponentially easier if you weren’t so terribly… fascinating. And, at times… kind. No one has handled me with kindness before and I think… I think I see the promise of that in you, Ren. I think you’re capable of treating even a man like me with kindness and I… I want that.”

Beneath him, Ren gave a small gasp and nodded vigorously, curling his arms up around Hux’s neck and tugging him down to kiss him, his voice a whisper in Hux’s head; _yes, yes – I can, I will – yes, yes, yes_ …

They may have spent more than an hour on the sand there, mussing each other’s hair, getting water and sand all over themselves, kissing and licking the salt away. Hux made valiant efforts to ignore how their clothed erections rubbed together, but he ground down on Ren anyway. He swallowed Ren’s moans, bit at Ren’s lips when they parted on a gasp – the sounds he made were truly magnificent.

Ren’s beauty-marked skin was absolutely breathtaking in the moonlight, milky, scarred here and there, sensitive and easily bruised by Hux’s teeth. His pebbled nipples were pink and sensitive, thin but dark hair ran from the center of his chest past his navel and into the waistband of his pants. He arched his back, spread his legs, bucked up against Hux when Hux would grind down and Hux could tell Ren wanted more skin, but Hux couldn’t in good conscience undress Ren.

_I am not so young that I cannot know what I want_ , Ren sent into Hux’s mind.

Hux shook his head, licking into Ren’s mouth and petting down his flanks, _no – not yet. In due time, Ren._

_If we’re going to be playing with each other’s tongues, can we maybe drop the titles?_

Hux laughed against Ren’s kiss-swollen mouth, kissing his temples, then his shut eyes, his high cheekbones; _when we’re alone like this, you can call me Ari._

_Ari? I like that. It’s pretty. Like you._

_Thank you, Kylo_ , Hux responded, chuckling again as he felt Ren’s cock throb between them.

_You like that, do you? Me calling you so informally?_

_I’d like to hear you moan it, but I can settle for this. For now._

“I like the sound of that,” Hux said aloud, thinking of all he could teach Ren, how he could take Ren apart, make Ren beg and cry and come undone from pleasure.

He wanted to give Ren so much, do so much _to_ Ren. And with those dark bedroom eyes, lidded and dazed, looking up at him like he hung the moon – he forgot why he was meant to resist touching Ren.

Just as he was considering to forgo morality and just fuck Ren on the sand and in the water, he heard something dense touch the ground not too far off. His head shot up and Ren opened his eyes to scowl.

“I was using that,” Ren said, insulted – as if Hux’s mouth were a thing one could borrow.

“Banthas,” Hux murmured, then he looked down at Ren and smiled widely, taking Ren by surprise, “There are Banthas, Kylo!”

He scrambled off Ren, tugged him up by his forearms and they went running, barefoot through the tall, wispy grass, the both of them laughing and tripping in the dark until they came to a stop.

They found a herd of Banthas – there were maybe twelve or thirteen of them. Baby Banthas too. Wild and unaware of their on-lookers. When Hux stole a glance at Ren’s profile, he saw the awe, contentment and childlike joy glowing from it. He smiled and uttered, “happy birthday, Kylo.”

Ren looked back at him, smiling as well. He leaned in, kissed Hux and then backed away, “yes. Happy birthday to me. Thank you for this, Ari.”

It was obvious Ren had done that just to fluster Hux and he succeeded again. Hux pushed him over and Ren let himself fall. They tumbled in the grass, shushing each other and laughing, threatening to throw one another to the Banthas.

They spent far too much time then, in the soft, tall grass and the bright moonlight kissing and petting. In the midst of it all, knowing he would be in severe trouble when they returned to _The Finalizer_ , Hux whispered conspiratorially to Ren, “my father would be furious if he knew…”

Ren had grinned, pulled at Hux’s hair the way he’d quickly discovered Hux liked and replied, “isn’t it thrilling, though?”

Maybe Ren meant it was thrilling to break the rules. Maybe Ren meant it was thrilling to disobey direct authority. Maybe Ren meant kissing and touching was thrilling. Maybe Ren meant it was thrilling to pursue affection despite the odds. Maybe Ren meant it was thrilling just to tumble in the grass, kissing and laughing like newly weds just yards away from wild Banthas on a starry night on a distant shore of Celen.

Hux agreed, no matter what Ren meant. So long as Ren kept kissing him and Ren did keep kissing him. In fact, Ren kissed him for the next seven years of Hux’s life.

Hux knew from the beginning that going to Celen was a bad idea and still, it was the best day of Hux’s life.

When Hux looks back now, on that day, he regrets it all while wishing to repeat it for all eternity.

He never should have gone to Celen with Kylo Ren, because then he wouldn’t have trusted Ren and then he wouldn’t have found out that Ren could be sweet and then he wouldn’t have kissed Ren or fallen in love with Ren or grown attached to Ren and if he’d done none of it, it wouldn’t have hurt when Ren walked away.

Hux, twenty-six now, lies down on his bedroom floor, still reeling.

_“Master Snoke says attachments at this stage are unwise.”_

How could Hux have let it all happen? How could he have _encouraged_ it? What was he thinking, that day of constellations and ocean waves? Nothing – that’s the problem, after all. He wasn’t thinking. He was _feeling_. Like a fool.

_“Don’t speak so ill of him, General. You wouldn’t want to be accused of treason. He knows what is best for me. You used to understand that.”_

Hux holds a palm over his eyes and brow, trying to convince himself he isn’t about to cry.

_“Of course this isn’t easy for me – no great powers come easily, General.”_

Why did it have to be Kylo Ren? Why did Hux’s heart and mind have to so thoroughly betray him? Why did Kylo Ren have to have galaxies in his eyes, why did Kylo Ren have to thrill him and show him what it _means_ to breathe, to smell, to hear and see and feel and _live_? And love?

_“There is nothing to be done for it. We can’t continue this.”_

So many cycles of sneaking into each other’s quarters, finding new ways of making the other laugh or smile or gasp or moan. So many years, so many birthdays, anniversaries, travel pods, new flowers, new waters, new grounds, new constellations and the same lips, those same eyes and hands and heart.

_“You… **love** me?”_

Hux turns over onto his side, scrunching his eyes shut and wishing he could truly just curl up and die like an insect. He felt like he was being dehydrated from the inside-out. Like he was withering away and one strong gust of wind could scatter him like ash.

_“How should I have known?! You never told me! It doesn’t matter anyway –“_

The dull ache in Hux’s chest turns sharp, his ears hot with shame.

_“No. **No** , it **doesn’t** matter. It **is** that simple. I have a destiny outside of you. Great things await me and I won’t have you hold me down. Master Snoke warned me you would do this.”_

There had been a time Kylo Ren had been sweet to him. There had been a time Kylo Ren would’ve broken all the rules of the galaxy to hold Hux’s hand and bury his face into the crook of Hux’s neck. There was a time Kylo Ren trusted him and he trusted Kylo Ren right back.

_“Yes, you are! You are doing just that! Listen to me well, General. No matter our history, as far as the rest of the galaxy is concerned, we are simple strangers. As far as **I** am concerned, we are strangers.”_

He’s in love with Kylo Ren, a puppet belonging to the Supreme Leader. He has been from the start. Maybe it’s his own idiocy and moronic hopes that drove him to this place. Maybe if he’d said he would have just settled for the sex, he could have kept _some_ part of Ren. Maybe he’d gone about the bargaining all wrong. He just can’t understand how he’s here, on his floor, empty-handed.

_“Enough of this – no, no, I’ve had quite enough. The discussion is over. And stop looking at me like that.”_

Like he’s heartbroken? How was Hux supposed to stop it? Wasn’t there a time Ren thought he was pretty? Wasn’t there a time that Ren wanted Hux to look at him _every_ way there is to be looked at?

“ _Fuck_ ,” Hux whispers to himself, unable to motivate himself to get up off the floor.

Perhaps if he stays still enough, the past will come back to him, unraveling and giving him another chance to tell Ren that no, he will not go to Celen. Or maybe if he stays still long enough, he’ll wake up. He’ll wake up and his head will be on Ren’s swollen chest where it belongs.

_“This is the way things **are** , General. I was given an order and I will follow through. If you refuse to adhere to my perimeters, I will eliminate you. Do not doubt me.”_

Ren could be so cold, so ruthless and where was Hux’s right mind? Where had he left it? When had he thrown it all away? How could he be so careless, so reckless?

_“And don’t call me that anymore. It’s too informal. I’ll do you the same favor. You know what my obligations are. I was never for you.”_

Stars, Hux can still feel that first breeze whirling around his body, threading through his hair, he can still smell the soil and trees, can still hear the ocean waves, can still see the undeniable happiness in Ren’s eyes. He can still feel what it was like to be the one that put it there. He can still feel that love, burning like a hot coal in his ribcage.

_“No, General. I never was.”_

Hux stares into the middle distance, a tear slipping down the bridge of his nose and onto the floor.

He can still see Ren’s young face, smirking at him and warning him that there are fates far worse than death. He knows it’s true now. There certainly are fates worse than death.

And Kylo Ren is one of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Cover is by me; goes with the playlist to this fic, gifted to MissMegh as a winner of my Tumblr giveaway.


End file.
